


Bullshiticus

by startrekkingaroundasgard



Series: 25 days of ficmas [13]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Decorating A Tree, Gen, mentions of darcy's crazy student days, praise the patron saint of students: bullshiticus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 02:31:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16986462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startrekkingaroundasgard/pseuds/startrekkingaroundasgard
Summary: Jane and Darcy let Thor decide how to decorate their Christmas tree this year and end up with a rather strange results after Thor accidentally destroys a ‘sacred’ ornament.





	Bullshiticus

Jane and Darcy hovered in the doorway, watching on as Thor battled with a string of christmas tree lights like it was the great Midgard Serpent itself. Every attempt to pull himself free only seemed to tighten the wiry bonds around him. The entire apartment shook as Thor hit the ground, the knotted mess around his ankles enough to fell even a god as battlehardy as he.

The harsh smell of burning plastic wafted through the house as Thor fried over half the tiny LEDs with a single spark of lightning. Tossing the burnt out decorations aside, Thor proudly proclaimed, “You are no match for the mighty god of thunder, pathetic strings of light!”

“Maybe we should help him…” Jane suggested. Turning to her friend for advice, her eyes widened in shock. “You’re filming this?”

Clawing at Jane’s arm to snatch her phone back, Darcy whined, “Oh, come on! This is going to get so many views. It’s hilarious!”

“Darcy!”

“What? Tall, blond and gorgeous said that he wanted to do this alone. It would just be rude to interrupt him. And, anyway, you can’t tell me that you aren’t finding this as funny to watch as me.”

Truthfully, Jane was more concerned that their apartment may not be able to survive Thor fighting with every single decoration they owned. She had little time to argue, though, as in that moment Thor caught sight of the women and waved, the biggest grin on his face. “My ladies! I do believe that I have wrestled the fight out of the fairies within these lights. They shall indeed bend to our will this season.”

“Do you want any help?” Jane asked, crouching down and untangling the lengths of tinsel for fear that Thor may actually end up strangling himself with them if they were left unchecked. She rummaged through the box of decorations at his feet, disappointed but unsurprised that every single ornament had already been broken in some way. “You know most of these can’t go on the tree now, anyway.”

Thor’s head popped out from behind the tree, shattered bauble in hand as he asked, “Why ever not?”

Darcy peered over Jane’s shoulders, her smile disappearing as she lamented the loss of her favourite statuette - a drunken elf with its trousers around its ankles, round (slightly discoloured) ass proudly on show. Cradling the elf’s headless body, she wailed, “You killed him! Thor, how could you? I’ve had Mr Snowballs since I was a penniless student.”

“You still are a penniless student,” Jane whispered. Darcy waved the comment aside but couldn’t argue. After all, she was still working as an unpaid intern and freeloading on Jane’s couch most nights of the week. “And I’m sure he didn’t mean to break Snowballs.”

“My dear lady Darcy,” Thor said, the already broken bauble shattering completely as he dropped it to instead take her hands in his. Sparing the other decorations little thought, more concerned by the fact one of his dearest friends on Midgard was so obviously upset, he sat her down on the couch and pulled her into a tight embrace. “I apologise for harming the elf with balls of snow. I did not realise he held such a special place in your heart.”

Her sorrows vanished the moment that Thor pulled her into an embrace - he was the kind of person who could fix anything with a hug and a soft word - but Darcy wasn’t yet willing to let him go so continued to pout in a way that made Jane roll her eyes so hard she nearly tore them from the sockets.

Gripping on to Thor’s enormous biceps, still amazed after all this time by just how impressive they were, Darcy sighed, “It’s fine. Snowballs was my dorm’s offering to the patron god of students: Bullshiticus. We were all pretty drunk at the time but I remember there being a fire and some kind of ritual and then we aced our exams so figured it must have worked. He’s been a lucky charm ever since.”

Jane noticed the thin layer of sweat on his brow, the slight stiffening of his body against the cushions as Darcy told her story. She crossed the room and perched on the arm of the chair behind him, resting her hand comfortingly on his shoulder. His beard tickled her lips when she kissed his cheek. “Are you alright?”

“Jane, my love, I fear I may have angered the god Bullshiticus by destroying his idol. I shall decorate this tree is his grace, in the way of the old customs. Fair Darcy, tell me, how does one honour the good patron of students?”

“Booze,” Darcy answered immediately. Her expression grew fond as she recalled her freshman year and all the terrible choices she made. Counting things on her fingers, Darcy launched into a list of things with which to honour the true spirit of student-dom: “Instant noodles. Coffee. Late nights. Bad decisions. Dirty pants in the kitchen. Crippling debt. Dodgy 3 am kebabs on the way back from the club.”

Interrupting her list before it completely out of hand, Jane lost the hard fight to hold back her judgemental stare. Shaking her head in despair, she mumbled, “You and I had very different experiences at university…”

Completely tuned out of their debate over who had maintained the best balance between work and life (neither really being able to boast an impressive balance either way), Thor clapped them both on the shoulder and said cheerily, “These sound perfect! My dear ladies, would you go shopping and find these things for me? We shall honour Bullshiticus so he may forgive my slight against him. Let us build him a shrine the likes of which he has never seen before.”

***

Jane and Darcy returned about an hour later, their arms ladened with shopping bags overflowing with “offerings” for Bullshiticus. Upon Darcy’s insistence, they had paid only for what a true penniless student could afford, which made the entire haul somewhat more depressing. The supermarket own label vodka smelled like bleach and the squashed packets of instant noodles may or may not have been pulled from the garbage down a dodgy backstreet.

However, all of that paled to insignificance when they caught sight of what Thor had already done to the tree.

Slowly setting the shopping bags down by Thor’s feet, Jane asked, “Are you using my scarves instead of tinsel?”

“At least it isn’t your thong hanging pride of place at the top,” Darcy mumbled. She couldn’t quite decided whether she was pleased or not that Thor had deemed her underwear to be the best offering to the non-existent god.

Gathering the courage to approach the tree, Darcy’s frown turned into a huge grin at an unopened envelope from the IRS. It was dated from months ago, with OVERDUE scrawled over the front in huge letters. She went to pull it off the tree but Thor slapped her hand away.

“Do not desecrate the shrine!”

As Thor began to add the booze and crappy foods to the tree, taking far too much care in their placement, Darcy whispered to Jane, “You’ve dealt with that, right? Only, I quite like living here with you and Thor and if we get evicted then I’ll end up back at my parents and I really don’t want to go back…”

Jane patted her friend on the shoulder and said, “Oh, yeah. Don’t worry. SHIELD took care of it.”

“Do I wanna know what it was about?”

“Nothing, really. I was just very busy with my research and I may have forgotten to file a tax return. Or ten. Anyway, I… Oh, I think Thor has something to show you.”

The women turned back to the god who had finished weighing down the tree with tins of baked beans, dirty socks and unopened packets of condoms (bought upon Darcy’s suggestion, of course). He had somehow managed to balance all the “ornaments” perfectly on the tree so that it leaned slightly to the left without toppling over. Whether that was by design or not, the women were not sure.

Thor held out his hands and presented Darcy with a small wooden carving. “For you, fair lady. I hope that you forgive my clumsiness and accept this gift as recompense.”

He handed over the statuette, a replication of Mr Snowballs. It was absolutely perfect, right down to the small dent on his left ass cheek. If anything, the only difference was that the elf seemed to be smirking more than the original. It was, quite frankly, a work of art and an extreme show of skill on Thor’s behalf.

“He’s beautiful!” Darcy grinned, throwing her arms around Thor’s neck. As giddy as a schoolgirl, she skipped over to the tree and hung Snowballs Jr at the top of the tree so that he was half balanced in her thong. Taking a few steps back, she nodded in approval. “This is the best Christmas tree I’ve ever seen.”

While Thor and Darcy discussed the apparently far reaching powers of Bullshiticus and the possibility of introducing Thor to a wondrous ritual called “Ring of Fire” in his honour, Jane sat at the table with her head in her hands and said to herself, “Next year, I’m decorating the tree.”


End file.
